End of year blues?

This year, I’m turning 26.

Never in my life have I been so unsure about myself.

I remember how it felt to be 18. I say 18 because I felt old and drained already by the age of 20. :p Living with a broken family, I’ve spent my younger years trying to earn enough to help support them. Gave up on my studies to work, gave up on relationships because of the stress I bring to the table. I thought I was doing the right thing until slowly I felt myself crumble into resentment towards my family

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My relationship with my Mother isn’t exactly ideal. I haven’t spoken to her for years despite living in the same house. Just a few months ago she left us to go pursue her own “dreams” (for a lack of a better way to call it) abroad, leaving her daughters to panic in the chaos of trying to make ends meet now that one of our main bread winner decided to leave. Despite the long quiet peace from my mothers absence, I still can’t help but feel the nagging guilt in my gut for being so relaxed about a family member leaving. I especially didn’t like how it started making my sisters feel about our family and the idea of marriage. “Our family is poison. It’s the truth. I’ve learned to deal with it.” is what my younger sister said to me with a straight face as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Is this really okay? We have accepted our situation and have pretty much given up on trying to make things better. Is everyone really okay with that?

Why am I suddenly thinking about this? Well…once my sisters have both graduated and can finally support themselves, I’ll finally be left to my own devices. Then what? How old will I be till then? 30? 35? I can already see the life being drained from my sister and myself from all the working we have to do. How drained will I be once I’m free from this debt? If this is what we are doing in order to support each other, then why do we hate each other so much? Whats the point? All I can see in my future, is an exhausted shell of a woman with no goals and no achievements even after reaching the half mark of her life.

I’m turning 26 this year.

I have decided to make something of my life. It doesn’t have to be grand or fancy or showered with golden flakes of wealth. I just want to have no regrets in anything I do. No more hiding, no more fear of getting hurt, no more one feet in the water and one feet on the ground. I’m going all in 100%. If I end up hurting myself then at least I did it knowing I tried my best. If I’m exhausted from work, screw it I’ll go out and have a drink with friends. If I have a problem that drives me crazy, fuck it I’ll go skateboarding and learn something instead of worrying about it. Ate lots of junk food today? Well then lets go kick boxing!

When I look back in my life I want to be able to tell the most pathetic yet heartfelt stories of my youth!

I cried because I opened up with honesty towards a lover despite the sure chance of being hurt.

I was scared of breaking my arm but I still did it and managed to pull it off albeit in a not so flattering manner.

My friends lectured me for choosing something that will obviously hurt me, but I’d have stayed true to myself and did what truly made me happy.

I suffered sleepless nights trying to get something I know I can never have and manage to find something better along the way just because I never gave up.

I may not have made a difference in the world but I’ve made a difference to the people that mattered to me. 

I want to say I didn’t waste my time trying to earn a lot of money and never having the time to spend it until I’m old and haggard.

No regrets! So now I have less than 2 months to learn how to ollie on a skateboard before this year ends and stretch my legs like a freaking gymnast. There’s no time to sulk when you have the time to do something! Go me!

What are your end of the year bliues?

2 thoughts on “End of year blues?

  1. Sorry to hear that you’re drained. And happy to tell you that many like me aren’t’. I’ll turn 28 next year in April. I’ve been feeling the same way till a couple of years ago. Tragedies happen. But life goes on. Things don’t go how you want them to. But we think we’re gods. We want to force life into our directions. We interfere with life. We try to hurt it. And the combat starts. Then, definitely the stronger wins, and we lose in a fight we started ourselves.
    Buck up, lady. One thing I can guarantee you, that life is never drained. Get out of yourself. Get back your energy from where you lost it. Buck up!

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